I´ve been in this transition for over a year now. A year ago I was living in Costa Rica with my husband, three dogs, two cats and two roommates and we were all contemplating the future. How were we going to make life in Costa Rica work? We were broke, living off of borrowed money and borrowed time and the unending promises of significant amounts of money - always just around the corner. I still haven´t gotten my bearings back - I´m so dizzy from all the corners we were chasing.
So it´s a year later, I put one dog down, found a home for another plus two cats and my beloved Ginny was stolen. We lived in Houston for a miserable month following more promises only to get on a Greyhound bus with less money than we left Costa Rica with. We´ve been in Georgia since October, I´ve gotten and lost a job, I´m pregnant, we´ve had three addresses and have gone through various stages of being broke. We´re rebuilding, I keep telling myself - but it hasn´t been easy. We have no friends, our stability is questionable and at any moment I fear that the small corner of a rug that I´ve been trying to secure myself on is going to get pulled out from under us. And if that happens?...
Well, I´ve pretty much spent the past year on that corner of rug and it keeps getting pulled. What´s the answer? That life goes on, that things tend to work out, that if you focus on family you´ll never really be alone even though sometimes you might feel pretty lonely...And maybe there is also a lesson about letting go of that corner of the rug - that you can still BE PRESENT without FEELING SETTLED. And to acknowledge the inches that you move forward - cause if you focus only on where you think you SHOULD be - then all you are left with is unfulfilled expectations. And having lived a year through nothing but that - I´m ready to concentrate on what I can control.
I will be contemplating my creative project, inspired by the work of Rowena Murillo and her 100 in 100 where she has taken on painting 100 paintings in 100 days http://www.warriorgirl.blogspot.com/. As well as Jaime Ridler and her bookclub looking at Wreck This Journal http://www.tnc-wreckthisjournal.blogspot.com/.
I´ll keep working on defining my project because I really need to focus on who I am right now, because I keep looking in the mirror, but I don´t quite recognize the face that I see. And when baby comes in September, it´s going to be that much harder to find the time to delve into what it is I might need right now.
So I´m not clear the message of this blog - only really to give me the freedom to express myself without needing to "contribute" to anyone in particular - except maybe myself.
Deep breaths.
