If I had to describe where I feel I've been the past year or so, I'd probably relate it to a fast forward scene from the movie Click where Adam Sandler is there in body but his spirit isn't really there. These next pages represent this feeling more.
This page has black and white images of roses with the phrase: "Round and round and round we go where it stops nobody knows" in a spiral. I feel like I am on a merry-go-round and I'm dying to get off. I'm on this merry-go-round because of John, my circumstances, work, my new country, my dogs, my house, my employees, my friends (or lack thereof), not having enough money, time, resources, friends, love, passion, etc. (you get the picture, right?) But REALLY, I've handcuffed my own hand to the center and swallowed the key AND (if you can stand another metaphor) refuse to poop it out!
My wedding was a weekend that I look back on that represents my ultimate self-expression. The joy of having everyone in my life around me, celebrating my commitment to John, honoring the important people in my life - it was truly marvelous. I've chosen a picture from my wedding where John and I are kissing while the people around us are trying to gather themselves together for a photograph. An image representing being present in the moment despite all that is going on around you, despite the chaos. Over the past months/years, I've gradually distanced myself from that time - time has gradually changed relationships and so has geography. Being present in my marriage to love and passion is difficult when things don't look the way I want them to look. And so, I've decorated my life nicely - nice, colorful wallpaper; bright borders and sleek curtains to shield me/to hide from the world (and myself) my growing discontent in my life. A veil per say, to hide myself and hide FROM myself the fact that I allow the chaos to distract the moments of bliss and love.
The funny thing is that I had the hardest time with this page - keeping it neat and pretty which is such a metaphor to my life - that although I try hard to keep it pretty, I'm not truly hiding anything and if I spent a little less time in hiding and making it look a certain way, that I might actually find that bliss again.
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